We Call Him Joseph.

28 Jun

We don’t know why. There’s nothing about our apparently-friendly poltergeist that screams ‘CALL ME JOSEPH’. There’s nothing definitive about the ghost who inhabits our house, causing minor problems, weird noises, and the occasional bump in the night.

In fact, the name Joseph is really just a convenient scapegoat Kelly and I use for the inexplicable things that happen in our house.

“Why was the door unlocked? Must have been Joseph.” “Did you hear that? Joseph must be taking a walk.” “Why is it sticky right here? Joseph, clean up your messes!”

Just in the past couple of days, Kelly and I have been finding more and more to blame on Joseph. Earlier this week, we were under a ‘significant weather advisory’, whatever that means. Apparently the weather was significant. It was raining really hard, our electricity was flickering, and the thunder was shaking the whole house. After it stopped raining, Kelly stepped in a puddle…in the middle of our living room.

This wouldn’t have been a big deal except that 1) despite the holes in the walls, the water could not have traveled THAT far into the middle of our house, 2) there’s an upstairs and the ceiling wasn’t wet, 3) the puddle was in a small area and was under the rug–the top of the rug wasn’t wet, just the underneath and the floor right next to it, and 4) we tested it, and the floor wasn’t leaking or wet in any other places.

Where did this random puddle come from? We figured it was the storm and tried not to think too much of it. But then we remembered earlier that week, when Kelly’s arm had suddenly gotten wet after she picked up something from a shelf in the kitchen. And we remembered when my fingers had gotten soaked when I was just sitting at the table. And then, just today, Kelly suddenly had a wet spot on her face.

What did we blame these random spontaneous condensations on? Joseph. Joseph created the puddles on the floor, he tried to kiss Kelly and got her wet, he grabbed my hand and Kelly’s arm. Spontaneous condensation isn’t exactly something we appreciate, but blaming it on Joseph means we don’t have to think too hard about where the puddles come from.

Another thing Joseph seems to enjoy doing? Taking late-night strolls in our upstairs ‘room’. The first night we were here, Kelly and I both heard footsteps upstairs. It sounded like someone was pacing the entire length of the room, back and forth a couple times. When we went up to investigate, wielding a flashlight and some sub-par karate moves, there was no one there. We went back downstairs and within minutes heard it again. We went back up, made sure the windows were locked, and checked every nook and cranny. Nothing.

We have heard the Pacing Person a few more times since then. Each time, we look up at the ceiling and say, “Joseph is pacing again” and that’s that.

Then there’s my air conditioning window unit. While I know there is a perfectly logical explanation for its behaviors (it’s really old), I like to blame the bangs, thuds, and shaking on Joseph. Joseph walks through my room, whacks the unit, turns it down, turns it up again, etc. He just likes to fiddle with things, Kelly and I have decided.

He really is a nice ghost. He doesn’t throw things across the room or hurt us or cause serious problems. He just…creates puddles and walks restlessly at night. We’ve actually grown quite fond of our friendly household poltergeist and, since we can’t have pets, have decided to keep him.

If you can even decide that with a ghost. I don’t know. I’ve never had one before.

For a little insight into where the name came from, check out this video:

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Posted by on June 28, 2014 in Uncategorized



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